The Great Big What IF?
by T'eyla Minh
Summary: I apologise in advance. This is insane, seriously... The basic premise is this: what if Moya had chatrooms? Yes, you heard me. Chatrooms... R&R if you think you're up to it...


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THE GREAT BIG "WHAT IF?"

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SUMMARY: Read the title! This happened at 1am beyond my control. The basic premise is, what if Moya had chatrooms… I know. Stupid concept. But who the frell cares?? It's silly, it has no plot whatsoever, and requires very little brain cells to read it! Enjoy!

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RATING: PG to PG-13 for, um… cyber-suggestiveness =)

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DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters, but the story is mine… unfortunately…

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SETTINGS/SPOILERS: The setting is… um… well, I suppose it has to be AU, doesn't it… All characters included but Zhaan, so figure it out… Um… spoils just about everything. It's just bizarre, really…

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AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is NOT my fault. It is partially Eve's fault for quoting randomly at me all night. Pilot's "So sorry…" line was hers. Anyway, I was meant to be writing my "Fractures" fic, and this appeared… It's even got Jool/Crais shipping (Eve made me do it!) because it's just funny. Oh, and I know you spell it "Erp", but I figure John being who he is, and me being too clever for my own good, he'd spell it "Earp" as a reference to Wyatt Earp… Whatever… I think most of the names should be obvious. If anyone's that desperate, I'll put a list up, but it shouldn't be necessary. Um… yes. Read on, and review if you're brave enough. Flames fully expected =)

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The Great Big "What If?"

© T'eyla Minh 2002

*Room - Terrace - 2 guests*

***Moyapilot **has entered the room*

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Moyapilot: Greetings.

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Earpboy: Hey Pilot.

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PKChick: John, I don't understand the purpose of this…

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PKChick: Hello Pilot.

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Earpboy: It's meant to be fun, Aeryn, now just play along…

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Moyapilot: How is everybody?

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Earpboy: I'm good.

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PKChick: How is this meant to be fun?

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Earpboy: Aeryn, you gotta keep up!

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PKChick: Oh, frell you, Crichton… I can't use this keyboard thing…

***Bannick_the_Stark** has entered the room*

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Bannick_the_Stark: Hello.

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Earpboy: Yo, Stark. Aeryn, you'll get used to it…

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PKChick: Hello, Stark.

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Earpboy: What's with the name?

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Bannick_the_Stark: Zhaan told me to do it.

***PKChick** rolls eyes*

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PKChick: I'm sure…

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Moyapilot: We like your name, Stark.

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Earpboy: We? I never said *I* liked it.

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PKChick: I think he means him and Moya.

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Moyapilot: Officer Sun is right.

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Earpboy: You so smart!

***Earpboy** huggles **PKChick***

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PKChick: You should be very glad we're not in the same room, Crichton.

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Earpboy: Um… we are…

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PKChick: You KNOW what I meant.

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Bannick_the_Stark: Did I miss anything important?

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Earpboy: Nah.

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Moyapilot: Nothing of importance has occurred.

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Bannick_**the**_**Stark**: Oh, good.

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Bannick_**the**_**Stark**: I don't understand your name, Aeryn.

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PKChick: Crichton chose it. Ask him.

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Earpboy: It would take too long. Just live with it.

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Moyapilot: I will DRD.

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PKChick: DRD??

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Earpboy: I think he means BRB.

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PKChick: You and your frelling abbreviations…

***Moyapilot** has left the room*

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Earpboy: Oh, shaddup! It's not like anyone ever told me what DRD stands for, anyway…

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PKChick: Your deficient little brain couldn't cope with it…

***Earpboy** sticks out tongue*

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Earpboy: I thought we'd gone beyond that kind of petty insult.

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Bannick_**the**_**Stark**: Zhaan would not approve of such bickering…

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Earpboy: For God's sake, Stark, shut up! Zhaan's dead. Get over it!

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Bannick_**the**_**Stark**: No.

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Bannick_**the**_**Stark**: Not dead.

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Bannick_**the**_**Stark**: I can hear her…

***PKChick** slaps **Bannick**_**the**_**Stark***

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Bannick_**the**_**Stark**: Ow.

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PKChick: Shut up.

***Moyapilot** has entered the room*

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Earpboy: Finally! Pilot, please bring some sanity to this place!

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PKChick: Yes, please do. I'm the only sane one left in here…

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Earpboy: Hey! Just cos you don't have a chip in *your* brain…

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PKChick: That's your excuse for everything.

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Earpboy: Pilot, you're quiet. Something wrong?

***Moyapilot** shakes head*

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Moyapilot: Rbrtuyjomh od gomr.

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PKChick: ?

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Earpboy: Uh… 'kay…

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Earpboy: Pilot, what in the name of Kirk *was* that??

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Moyapilot: So sorry…

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Moyapilot: I appear to have hit the wrong keys…

***Earpboy** laughs*

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Earpboy: And I thought Aeryn was bad. I dunno, you can pilot a Leviathan, but you can't type…

***PKChick** beats the dren out of **Earpboy***

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Earpboy: Hey! I didn't mean it!

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PKChick: Just you wait, Crichton. You're going to pay for that.

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Earpboy: Ooh?

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Earpboy: Promise or a threat, honey?

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PKChick: Both.

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Earpboy: Cool.

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PKChick: You know I can kick your eema from one end of the UT to the other…

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Earpboy: Yeah… I love you too…

***PKChick** smacks **Earpboy** upside the head*

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Earpboy: Aeryn, if you keep this up, we'll have to go somewhere else…

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PKChick: I'm warning you, John!

***Moyapilot** separates **PKChick** and **Earpboy***

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Moyapilot: This is most interesting… It appears you all revert into younger versions of yourselves in here.

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Moyapilot: I like it. And Moya finds it most amusing.

***CapnB** has entered the room*

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Earpboy: Evenin' Crais.

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CapnB: Is she in here?

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PKChick: Is who in here?

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CapnB: Jool.

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Bannick_**the**_**Stark**: We haven't seen her.

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Earpboy: Damn, Stark, are you *still* here?? Can't you go and bother Chiana or something?

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Bannick_**the**_**Stark**: I think I will…

***Bannick**_**the**_**Stark** has left the room*

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Earpboy: Finally…

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CapnB: But is she in here?

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Earpboy: No, Stark was right. She ain't here.

***Screaming**_**Boolite**_**Girl** has entered the room*

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Earpboy: Well, she wasn't…

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Screaming_**Boolite**_**Girl**: Bialar, are you in here?

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CapnB: No.

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Screaming_**Boolite**_**Girl**: Good.

***Screaming**_**Boolite**_**Girl** huggles **CapnB***

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CapnB: Will you desist?!

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Earpboy: What's the matter, Crais, don't you wuv your lil Joolee any more?

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CapnB: Shut up, Crichton.

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Earpboy: Why's everyone so against me today?

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PKChick: Because you're an idiot…

***Eve** has entered the room*

***Eve** huggles **Earpboy***

***Eve** has left the room*

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Earpboy: What the frell was that?

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PKChick: Yes, what was that?

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Earpboy: Oooh! Aeryn's jealous.

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CapnB: Oh, are you two *still* doing this? Every frelling time I come in here…

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Screaming_**Boolite**_**Girl**: That could be us.

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CapnB: Go away!

***CapnB** has left the room*

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Screaming_**Boolite**_**Girl**: Oh… :*(

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Moyapilot: Don't cry, Joolushka. I still like you.

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Earpboy: You like everyone.

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Moyapilot: No I don't.

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Moyapilot: I don't like Peacekeepers.

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Moyapilot: Except for Aeryn.

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Moyapilot: But she's not really a Peacekeeper…

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Earpboy: We get the picture!

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Screaming_**Boolite**_**Girl**: You like me?

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Moyapilot: Yes.

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Screaming_**Boolite**_**Girl**: That's sweet Pilot. Did you see where Crais went?

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Moyapilot: My DRDs are detecting he is in the Apothecary room.

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Screaming_**Boolite**_**Girl**: Thanks, Pilot!

***Screaming**_**Boolite**_**Girl** has left the room*

***Minh** has entered the room*

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Minh: anyone seen a girl named eve around here?

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PKChick: Who are you?

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Minh: random fan-girl…

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Earpboy: Eve… she came in and hugged me then ran off again. Weird.

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Minh: ah… thanks. sorry about that, she thinks you're beautiful.

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Earpboy: Me?

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Minh: yeah… weird… anyway, did you see where she went?

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PKChick: No.

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Minh: okay… oh, and you guys had better frellin' hurry up… the shippers are going crazy, you know…

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Earpboy: I've been saying the same damn thing for months… um… monens…

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Minh: i'm meant to be writing a bloody angstfic! gotta go! john, think angsty thoughts, would ya?

***Minh** has left the room*

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Earpboy: Pilot, we have GOT to get better security around here…

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Moyapilot: Yes. Moya agrees.

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PKChick: What are we supposed to be hurrying up with?

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Earpboy: I could show you if you'd let me near you…

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PKChick: I'm sure. No.

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Earpboy: Aw, come *on*! What does it frelling *take* with you?

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PKChick: Stick around long enough and you'll find out.

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Earpboy: …

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Earpboy: I wasn't expecting that.

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Moyapilot: Nor was I.

***CapnB** has entered the room*

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Earpboy: WB, Crais. Didja lose her?

***CapnB** wheezes*

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CapnB: I believe so. For now.

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PKChick: Perhaps if you change your name...

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CapnB: That's a good idea.

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CapnB: Excuse me a microt.

***CapnB** has left the room*

***XhalaxSun** has entered the room*

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PKChick: That's not funny, Crais.

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XhalaxSun: Frell…

***XhalaxSun** has left the room*

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Earpboy: I guess originality isn't high on his list of priorities.

***Talynpilot** has entered the room*

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Talynpilot: Sorry, Pilot. Best I could do.

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Moyapilot: I do not mind, Captain.

***NerriSis** has entered the room*

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NerriSis: Hey.

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Earpboy: Hey, Chi, how's it hangin'?

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NerriSis: Um… 

***NerriSis** looks down*

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NerriSis: Mind your own frellin' business!

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Earpboy: I didn't mean… Never mind…

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PKChick: I thought you were with D'Argo.

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NerriSis: I was… he disappeared. I think Stark was annoying him.

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PKChick: So you decided to come and annoy us? How considerate.

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Talynpilot: If you see Jool, I'm not here.

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NerriSis: Is that Crais?

***Earpboy** nods*

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NerriSis: Gee. Never woulda guessed…

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Moyapilot: Hello, Chiana. Sorry. I was multi-tasking.

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NerriSis: Hi, Pilot.

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Talynpilot: Remember, I'm not here.

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Earpboy: Okay, we got it, you're not here!

***Screaming**_**Boolite**_**Girl** has entered the room*

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Screaming_**Boolite**_**Girl**: Did I miss him again?

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PKChick: Yes…

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Screaming_**Boolite**_**Girl**: Why does he hate me?? Why?

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NerriSis: How many reasons do you want?

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Screaming_**Boolite**_**Girl**: Shut up, Chiana!

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NerriSis: No, you shut up!

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Earpboy: Hey, ladies?

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Screaming_**Boolite**_**Girl**: No, you!

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NerriSis: You!

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Screaming_**Boolite**_**Girl**: Bitch!

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NerriSis: Tralk!

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Earpboy: GIRLS!

***Moyapilot** separates **Screaming**_**Boolite**_**Girl** and **NerriSis***

***Moyapilot** is still separating **PKChick** and **Earpboy***

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Moyapilot: I never knew four arms could be so useful.

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Earpboy: You're an upholding member of society, Pilot…

***PKChick** groans*

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Screaming_**Boolite**_**Girl**: Just out of interest, who's flying the ship?

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Moyapilot: I will have to put two of you down.

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Moyapilot: Aeryn, John, if you stop fighting, it will be you.

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Earpboy: Deal.

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PKChick: Yes.

***Moyapilot** releases **Earpboy** and **PKChick***

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Moyapilot: No more fighting.

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PKChick: Thank you, Pilot.

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Earpboy: Ditto.

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Screaming_**Boolite**_**Girl**: Pilot, you're hurting me.

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NerriSis: Me too.

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Moyapilot: I apologise. Do you promise not to fight?

***NerriSis** nods*

***Screaming**_**Boolite**_**Girl** nods*

***Moyapilot** releases **Screaming**_**Boolite**_**Girl** and **NerriSis***

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NerriSis: Thanks.

***NerriSis** pulls **Screaming**_**Boolite**_**Girl's** hair*

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Screaming_**Boolite_Girl**: Hey!

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NerriSis: If you wanna fight, you're gonna have to catch me first!

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Screaming_**Boolite_Girl**: Fine!

***NerriSis** has left the room*

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Screaming_**Boolite**_**Girl**: FRELL!

***Screaming**_**Boolite_Girl **has left the room*

***Talynpilot** comes out from under the table*

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Talynpilot: Is it safe?

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PKChick: All clear, Crais.

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Earpboy: Hehehe. The big bad PK Captain is afraid of our little Jool?

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Talynpilot: She's insatiable!

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Earpboy: She seems to really like you. I can't think why.

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Talynpilot: For your information, Crichton, she liked you until she met me…

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Earpboy: For your information, Crais, Aeryn liked you until she met me…

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PKChick: For your information, I don't like either of you.

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Moyapilot: Do you like me?

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PKChick: Of course, Pilot.

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Talynpilot: Why don't you like me?

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PKChick: Would you settle for "Irreversibly contaminated"?? Or would you prefer another reason?

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Talynpilot: Fair enough.

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Earpboy: Well, fine, but what did I do?

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PKChick: Same answer.

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Earpboy: Yeah. But I didn't do it on purpose!

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PKChick: Actually, I've never liked you, Crichton.

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Earpboy: Genetically compatible, babe…

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PKChick: You're never going to let me forget that, are you?

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Earpboy: Nope.

***DominarXVI** has entered the room*

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Earpboy: Besides, it was *you* who kissed *me* in the module, not the other way around.

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PKChick: You kissed me back!

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Earpboy: What, you'd rather I ran away?

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PKChick: Well, no… but… stop turning everything I say around!

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Earpboy: I'm not!

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DominarXVI: Have you no respect?

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Earpboy: Hey, Stinky.

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DominarXVI: Apparently not.

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DominarXVI: If I was back on Hyneria, people would be bowing down! They'd be subservient, and obey my every command!

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Earpboy: Um, sure, whatever, Ryge…

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Earpboy: Aeryn, I'm not turning everything you say around! I'm just saying, it was *your* fault!

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PKChick: It's never my fault, Crichton…

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Earpboy: I know you only blame me to make yourself feel big…

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Talynpilot: Is this going to go on much longer?

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PKChick: No, I only blame you because it's always your fault.

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Earpboy: Ouch…

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DominarXVI: Will you two just frell and get it over with! You're driving us all fahrbot!

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Earpboy: That's the best advice you've given all day, Sparky!

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DominarXVI: I think I'm going to vomit.

***DominarXVI **has left the room*

***HeavyD** has entered the room*

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Earpboy: Hey, D'Argo.

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Moyapilot: Hello, Ka D'Argo.

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Talynpilot: Likewise.

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HeavyD: Finally!

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PKChick: What?

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HeavyD: The frelling thing wouldn't let me in! I think Chiana did something.

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PKChick: Ah…

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PKChick: That would explain why she wasn't with you earlier…

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Earpboy: I'd give the girl some credit. She caught on the fastest out of all of you. Imagine… Chi's already a prime hacker, Crais is changin' names like there's no tomorrow, and Pilot's doing actions.

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Earpboy: Aeryn, I thought you were meant to be the smart one!

*PKChick smacks **Earpboy***

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Earpboy: Exactly how many bruises are you trying to make?

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PKChick: 46.

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Earpboy: WHY?

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PKChick: Dunno. Seems like a good number.

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Earpboy: Fine… how many are you up to?

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PKChick: 10.

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Earpboy: 10?

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PKChick: 10.

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HeavyD: Can I add some?

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Earpboy: No you frelling can't!

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HeavyD: Why not?

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PKChick: You'll damage him.

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Earpboy: Um… and you *can* damage me… why?

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PKChick: I'm your grunt, remember?

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Earpboy: What IS that, anyway?

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PKChick: Doesn't matter.

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PKChick: Anyway, D'Argo can't damage you, because if he does, there'll be nothing left for *me* to damage…

***HeavyD** laughs*

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Moyapilot: I could hold him steady for you, if you wish.

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PKChick: Thank you, Pilot. It won't be necessary…

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Talynpilot: I'd add some bruises myself, but I'd rather just watch…

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Earpboy: Thanks. All gang up on the Human…

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Earpboy: Ew, Crais!

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Talynpilot: What?

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Earpboy: Oh… sorry. I thought you meant something else…

***PKChick** slaps **Earpboy***

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Earpboy: That makes 11...

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PKChick: You're disgusting.

***NerriSis** has entered the room*

***Screaming_Boolite_Girl** has entered the room*

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HeavyD: Chiana!!

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NerriSis: Uh-oh…

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HeavyD: What the frell did you do?? It took me seventeen attempts to get in here!

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NerriSis: I didn't do anything!

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Earpboy: Does anybody else *not* believe her?

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PKChick: Me.

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Talynpilot: And me.

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Moyapilot: I know for a fact it was Chiana. I just do not know how.

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NerriSis: Pilot!

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Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Oooh! Busted.

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NerriSis: Shut your FRELLING mouth!

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Screaming_Boolite_Girl: No.

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Talynpilot: Here we go again…

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Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Bialar???

***Screaming_Boolite_Girl **giggles happily and tackle hugs **Talynpilot***

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Talynpilot: Oh, no…

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Talynpilot: Uh, I mean… Bialar who?

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Screaming_Boolite_Girl: I know it's you.

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Talynpilot: It's not me… um… him. I don't know who you are.

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PKChick: You're such a terrible liar, Crais… even when we can't hear you.

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Screaming_Boolite_Girl: I *knew* it was you!

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Talynpilot: Thank you, Aeryn. Thank you so very much…

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Earpboy: Ooh, I love it when you stab your ex-Captain in the back…

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PKChick: You know, those other 35 bruises could turn into a stab wound of your own…

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Earpboy: Point taken.

***Earpboy** surrenders*

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Earpboy: I'm all yours.

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NerriSis: You're frelled… :D

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Earpboy: Chance would be a fine thing…

***DominarXVI** has entered the room*

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DominarXVI: Oh, please, are you STILL at it?

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HeavyD: Rygel, there's stuff missing from my quarters. I want it back by tomorrow or that throne sled will be riding *you*.

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DominarXVI: Frell you, Luxan. Why don't you try Chiana's quarters?

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Moyapilot: It wasn't Chiana.

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NerriSis: Thanks, Pilot! You know I love you, really…

***Minh** has entered the room*

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PKChick: You again?? How are you getting in?

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Minh: beats me…

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Minh: anyhoo, i was wondering if you guys could, um, get out of my brain for a microt?

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Earpboy: I wasn't aware we were in there…

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Minh: oh, yeah, you are. trust me. it's just, it's like one in the frelling morning, and i want to go to bed, and i have to finish this damn thing first. so, could you all vamoose? skidaddle? scarper?

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PKChick: John, I get the impression you're the only one this makes any sense to…

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Minh: get the frell outta here!

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Earpboy: Okay, geez! Just give us a few minutes…

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Minh: you've had arns… oh, fine… you've got 120 microts, then it ends whether you're out or not.

***Minh** has left the room*

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HeavyD: Who was that?

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Earpboy: Looooong story.

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HeavyD: Well, I have to go anyway. Rygel, you'd better pray you get to your quarters before me…

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Earpboy: Bye, dude.

***HeavyD** has left the room*

***DominarXVI **has left the room*

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Talynpilot: I should go, too…

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Screaming_Boolite_Girl: If you're going, I'm going.

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Talynpilot: Crichton, I hold you personally responsible for this…

***Talynpilot** has left the room*

***Screaming_Boolite_Girl **has left the room*

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Moyapilot: I have multi-tasking to attend to. Goodbye, Aeryn, Commander.

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PKChick: Goodbye, Pilot.

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Earpboy: See ya.

***Moyapilot** has left the room*

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NerriSis: I don't suppose either of you guys want me around… And anyway, if I'm last to leave, the entire thing will crash.

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Earpboy: Woo! Go, Chi!

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NerriSis: I thought you'd like that. Have fun, you two!

***NerriSis** has left the room*

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Earpboy: I guess that just leaves us…

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PKChick: Yes… we've overstayed our 120 microts.

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Earpboy: As it's us, I think she'll let us off.

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PKChick: I suppose.

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PKChick: John?

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Earpboy: Yeah?

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PKChick: Where exactly are you?

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Earpboy: I was going to ask you the same thing. Seems kinda pointless now, doesn't it?

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PKChick: Yes. I'm in Command.

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Earpboy: I'm… on the actual Terrace.

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PKChick: Stay there.

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Earpboy: Why?

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PKChick: I have a surprise for you.

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Earpboy: Is it more bruises?

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PKChick: Maybe… maybe not…

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Earpboy: Interesting…

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Earpboy: Okay, I'll stay put.

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PKChick: And I'll be right there.

***PKChick** has left the room*

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Earpboy: Whaddaya know… online romances *do* work after all…

***Earpboy** has left the room*

***Bannick_the_Stark** has entered the room*

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Bannick_the_Stark: Hello?

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Bannick_the_Stark: Oh…

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Blue: Hello, Stark.

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Bannick_the_Stark: Zhaan?!

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Blue: Yes, Stark. I have been here the whole time.

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Bannick_the_Stark: I knew it! I knew it I knew it! They didn't believe me!

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Blue: Stark?

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Bannick_the_Stark: Yes?

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Blue: You're doing it again…

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Bannick_the_Stark: It's another hallucination?

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Blue: I'm afraid so.

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Bannick_the_Stark: Oh…

***Bannick_the_Stark** has left the room*

*Room - Terrace - no guests*

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Thank God that's all over. You have no idea how long it wanted to be… If you're all still alive and coherent, please review. Thank you. If you review, I promise not to do this again…


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